My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Just invented taco cereal.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
