tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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