I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
