yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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