Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
If i come over, it means nothing
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize