you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Someone came in the potted fern
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
