I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
