my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I forget how to act sober
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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