ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
