Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
