I accidentally had phone sex last night
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
