it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
