Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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