remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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