Your mouth is God's brothel.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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