help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
