I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
