A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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