im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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