I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I think I have vodka in my lungs
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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