this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
