I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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