I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
