Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
accomplished twins. life is a go
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
