we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You may now shotgun with the bride
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
