he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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