I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
