I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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