I look better un-naked...
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i wish my penis had a tongue
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Randomize