I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize