It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
