i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
