A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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