They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
two words...techno handjob
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
