awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
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