you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
