Have you finally orgasmed yet?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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