GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
