Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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