In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
