I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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