i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
