Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
