Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
