True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
