I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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