Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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