The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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