I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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