I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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