Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
