Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
