i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
