i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Randomize