I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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