Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize