I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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