They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
