YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
