Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
