It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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