She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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