mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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